I'm sorry, I fell in love with him

I’m Sorry, I Fell in Love with Him.

I never thought I would be a cheater. I had always considered myself to be a good person, but I guess everyone is capable of things they didn’t think they ever would be. I have been in a committed relationship with Jacob for one year and a half. I love him. I really do; however, we have so many issues that when we are apart become highlighted. I begin to doubt whether this is the relationship I want to stay in.

I don’t know if these doubts put me in a position where I wasn’t guarding myself against catching feelings for someone else. I had always thought that Daniel was handsome; before this summer, I had never let myself think any more about him than that. This summer I was immediately drawn to him; I still can’t fully understand why I was suddenly so attracted to him. It started out innocently enough, little jokes, innuendos, small touches. It began to feel like kissing without kissing; it was like a tablecloth tugged beneath a party service; everything jumbled against everything else in just a few chaotic moments. Then it became not so innocent with fingers in hair. Hands cupping necks. Mouths dragged on cheeks and chins in dangerous proximity.

“When are you gunna let me take you out?”

This wasn’t the first time Daniel had asked to take me out; the other times he had, I had been too afraid to go. Daniel made me really nervous, in good butterflies in your stomach kind of way. I was terrified that I would go out with him and it would be amazing and it was. I had put off going out with Daniel for the first two months of summer until I found myself completely taken with him.

Our first date didn’t really go according to plan, but I think it was better for it. We are pretty bad at planning this ahead of time; so that day when I got off work at five o’clock’ Daniel called me and asked me where I wanted to go for dinner. I had decided on a restaurant called Kings Kitchen. I had chosen that restaurant, because the name had me immediately thinking of Daniel. Daniel had a crown tattoo on his forearm, so I had taken to calling him the king in my head.

Since we did not plan ahead very well by the time we got to the restaurant it was already closed, which would have killed the mood for any else; however, it just leads to us walking around talking and finally found a place that was open. Which on a Monday night at 9 o’clock was not an easy thing to do however we found that Hooters was open.

It was an amazing night; we ate and talked for hours. The longer I talked to him, the more I liked him and the more frightened I got. I could see myself falling really hard, really fast for this man. Faster and harder than I’d ever fallen for anyone, but I wasn’t free to fall for Daniel no matter how much I want to. After dinner, we walked around uptown and talked some more, I found myself telling things that I normally wouldn’t tell someone on the first date. Daniel just had a way of making me so comfortable; I felt like I could tell him anything.

We walked around and talked for about an hour, until I couldn’t stand it anymore and kissed him. We spent the next three hours just making out in the back seat of his car. I have never spent that much time with a man just kissing without getting bored. There is just something about Daniel that completely captivates me. Daniel takes me home after that, and I have never had such a hard time saying goodbye to someone as I do Daniel. We stayed in his car for another thirty minutes just kissing goodbye, saying goodbye until finally I had to leave.

We both worked the next day; immediately our other coworkers noticed the hickeys we had left on each other. We also couldn’t stop looking at each other and flirting. Shawn is a coworker whom I had confided in earlier this summer about my feelings for Daniel. He immediately noticed the hickeys and how happy I was.

“What’s going on with you and Daniel?”

“I honestly don’t know,” I sighed.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Shawn asked exasperated.

“Well, he didn’t call it a date, but I did. And he said that he doesn’t want things to change, so I’m so confused on what exactly we are doing, like are we just fooling around? Or are we starting to go down the relationship path? I just don’t know.” I sighed again, an aching sadness creaping into my heart at the thought of not meaning anything to Daniel.

“Well, don’t let him lead you on.” Shawn told me as he started to walk back into the kitchen. For the rest of that week we were the center of the McDonald’s gossip wheel. Everyone made jokes about hickeys and started asking us when we were going to get married and start a little mixed family.

The jokes didn’t stop us from going out that next Monday. We spent the whole day together. First, we went shopping at the mall; we split a smoothie and Daniel bought me three new bellybutton rings. I bought a sexy new bra. Second, we went out to dinner at TGIF Fridays; Daniel started out sitting across from me in the booth to sitting next to me with my legs layer out across his lap. We sat in that restaurant for an hour after we were done eating just talking.

This was one of the things I found most captivating about Daniel, his ability to get me to talk, about everything and nothing for hours without getting bored. Third, we went to our local airport overlook and just sat in his car and listened to my music. Daniel asked what I liked about every song I played, if they meant anything to me and we sat just listening to music for another few hours until it was time to go watch the movie. During the whole movie, Daniel held me and kissed my forehead. Daniel is the only person whom I had ever been comfortable enough with to be open in a public place. It gave me such a huge rush of emotions about Daniel. Emotions I was afraid to put a name to.

After the movie, we were again in his car. I was beginning to feel like a permeant part of his car. We sat in his backseat; he was sitting in the middle and I was leaning against the door with my legs again, spread out in his lap. His hands were rubbing up and down my legs; it made me feel safe; he makes me feel safe. We asked questions back and forth, small trivial questions to big hard questions. We asked the entire question we could think of, in-between kisses and lingering touches. This continued until Daniel asked:

“What do you want to get out of this?”

“I just want you”

“I don’t know what to do, when you go back to school; you could become anyone’s.” Daniel sighed with a faraway look in his eyes.

The first time since I had met Daniel, I was genuinely deeply angry with him. This whole day the only thing I could think was that I could love this, I could really love this man. To have him say that to me, felt a punch to the gut, and a chill ran down my spine. I could feel my heart beating a thousand times a minute. I don’t know why this anger makes me jump him, but I’m glad it did.

I threw myself on top of him and slammed our lips together until we couldn’t tell where he ended and I started. We slept together for the first time that night and it was the best I had ever had. Daniels hands just felt right; when he was touching me I felt for the first time that I really fit with somebody.

“If you let me, I could fall in love with you.” I breathed into Daniel’s ear.

Daniel didn’t replay; he just pulled me into him and held me tight, until I felt at home in his arms. That night was first night that Daniel stayed over at my house. We didn’t do any more talking that night. He just held me all night long. It wasn’t until I was at work the next morning that I thought of Jacob. I felt guilt that I didn’t feel guilty for sleeping with Daniel; I just wished that I was completely free to be with Daniel.

For the last week of summer, Daniel and I continued flirting, going out and having sex without really talking about what this all means or what we were going to do when I returned to school for the year. That final week just blew by and suddenly it was my last day at work. As far as last days ago it was a pretty good last day, I spent most of the day talking and saying goodbye to all of my favorite coworkers. My managers bought me a going away cake, we had a happy time.

Before Daniel drove me home that night; we went to Ihop to get something to eat. We spent all night just sitting in that Ihop holding one another and thinking about how I was going away. In such a short period of time, Daniel had wormed his way into my heart, I was so afraid to tell him that. I didn’t want to scare him away before I ever really had him. Daniel stayed over at my house again that night. That night felt like a goodbye, the saddest goodbye; however, at the same time, it also felt like hope. Like maybe, this wasn’t going to be the end; maybe it was just a see you later, not a goodbye. The next morning Daniel woke me with kiss and a long searching look.

“Every day with you is better than the last. I’m really gunna miss you. I’ll try and visit you”

“You don’t understand how much I’m gunna miss you, baby.” I breathed into Daniel neck as I held him close to me. After Daniel left that morning, I packed my car and started the long drive back to school. The whole way there all I could think about was how much I already missed Daniel and how little I had missed Jacob and how little guilt I felt in betraying him.

Jacob had beaten me back to school. He was already waiting for me when I pulling into my apartment parking lot. I sighed deeply, bracing myself for what was about to go down. Jacob rushed to hug me hello; he knew something was wrong immediately when I didn’t return it and was stiff in his arms.

“What’s wrong?” Jacob asked me anxiously.

“I’ve been having an affair.”

“WHAT!”

“I’m sorry; I fell in love with him.” I stuttered between sobs.

I have never seen Jacob so infuriated before. He ranted and screamed and called me every name under the sun. Until he started sobbing, he sobbed for a while, until he was finally quiet, no yelling, no cursing, and no crying. Just deafening silence, how is it possible for silence to be so loud? I looked up at him finally, wondering why he got so quiet so fast. The look on his face was pure rage; I took a step back in shock and fear. I had never seen him look so enraged before.

Jacob reached out and grabbed me by my shoulders and started shaking me rapidly and hard.

I yelled out, “Let go of me! You’re hurting me!”

“No, I gave you everything. I love you, for the first time I actually stayed faithful to you and this is how you repay me? No! you’re going to forget about him and marry me!” Jacob screamed into my face, spit flying everywhere.

“I don’t want to marry you! I don’t love you anymore. I’m in love with Daniel. LET ME GO!” I screamed back at him.

“If I can’t have you, no one can, especially not Daniel.”

Jacob finally let go of my shoulders; he raised his hand back and backhanded me and it all went black. I woke up the next morning with a raging headache and a huge bruise on the left side of my face. I noticed that my TV was on, the news was playing. At first, I didn’t pay it any attention; I was too focused on the throbbing of my head and face. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a picture of a man that looked like Daniel. I walked over to my tv and turned up the volume. I was right. It was Daniel, Meghan Kelly was reporting that he had been run down while walking to the convenience store. He died instantly she said. I began to scream with grief.

The creaking of the door opening, made me look up in shock. There stood Jacob with a glass of water in one hand and some Advil in the other. He placed them down on my night side table and sat next to me on my bed. He pulled me into his arms and started scolding me.

“I’m sorry, I got a little too excited and accidently hit you. It won’t happen again I promise. I’m just so happy that you said, yes.” As he said this, he picked up my hand and started rubbing his thumb over the ring on my ring finger. This was the first time I had noticed that it was there.

I started slowly shaking my head and stammering. Jacob only smiled and he took my head into his hands, turning my head towards the tv, where Daniel’s picture was still being shown. Jacob whispered into my ear.

“Be careful baby girl, you wouldn’t want to follow his lead would you?” He laughed humorlessly into my ear.

He kissed me on my forehead; he got up and left the room without a backward glance, the tears that had never fully stopped, became waterfalls flowing out my eyes. I began to shake uncontrollably. I began screaming again, a mixture of grief, fear and the realization that I am never going to be free again. I’d never thought I was capable of cheating, just like I never thought Jacob was capable of murder or hurting me. I guess, we never really know what we’re capable of until we’re pushed to our limit.