If you had Lived: Tribute to my Mom

You've been gone for seventeen years. I can count on one hand the number of people that are actively in my life that ever knew you. If you had lived, my relationships with the family that i don’t speak to would be completely different. The loss of you, pushed everyone in different directions. You’ve been gone so long, i don't remember the sound of your voice, i can barely even remember how you looked. If you had lived past my sixth birthday maybe my entire live would be different.

I really do believe that my life would be complete transformed. I remember when i was thirteen years old, your best friend told me that if you were still alive, you would have had me in tanning beds, hair extensions, acrylic nails and dyed hair. If you had lived maybe i would have grown up loving those things. Maybe i would have grown up to be the confident, effortlessly beautiful woman that you were.

If you had lived, you would have taught me how to do my makeup and hair. You would have taught how to talk to boys. If you had lived, all of my relations with everyone in ,my life would be different. The family ties that have been cut, would instead be flourishing, at least that's the dream.

If you had lived, my idea of what is okay in a relationship would be different, i would probably have been in a lot more relationship. One more voice telling me what i deserve and that you think i'm beautiful no matter what.

If you had lived, there would be one more person to sing with in the car. One more voice telling me i can do anything i want. If you had lived, maybe i would not have fallen silent. Maybe i would have kept the outspokenness i had in my childhood. maybe, i would have chased dreams that i always thought you could never accomplish, so i never even tried to accomplish.

If you had lived, there would be one less tattoo on my body. One less crack across my heart. One less tear down my father's face. One more reason to celebrate anniversaries and birthdays, we all had the time of our lives, because you would be there.

If you had lived, there would have been one more person telling to go out and experisen life. One more person to call when i needed a ride. One more person to worry about me when i'm not home at midnight. One more person to make me feel like i’d be missed if i were die tomorrow.

If you had lived, there would be one more person to help my boyfriend pick out a ring, and to plan a proposal. One more invitation to sent out, although you would be helping plan the wedding. One more person to dance with on the day. One more person to walk me down the aisle. One more person to see me off on my honeymoon.

If you had lived, there would be one more person to help me decorate my apartment. One more person to cat sit while i'm away for the weekend or working late. One more person call when i'm doubting myself. One more person to talk me out of doing something stupid. One more person to talk through my feelings with. One more person to tell my that my feeling and opinions are valid.

If you had lived, i wouldn’t have pushed certain family away. They wouldn’t be able to use your memory against me. You would have been there to mediate all the fights. Calm the tempers before something was said that could never be taken back. Maybe them, they and i wouldn't be as pessimistic and cold to each other as we are now.

If you had lived, i would be a completely different person and the lives of everyone you loved would be transformed. If you had lived, my future children would learn all the things i never did. I miss you so much,i wish i had learned all the lessons that could have taught me, all the adventure we could have had together. I’ll miss for as long as i live and i'll teach my children about your radiant smile and all the love you gave to me while you lived. I’ll never forget you.